Only in Florida

On our recent five-day adventure in South Florida, we packed all the fun activities we could drive to without being killed or seriously injured on the roads and interstates crisscrossing Broward County and Miami-Dade. And we found ourselves time and time again repeating the phrase, “only in Florida.”

Only in Florida people drive 100 MPH, crossing lanes faster than NASCAR drivers, chasing each other in sleek and expensive cars, like disappearing banshees and people react as if it is the norm.

Only in Florida we see no police officers giving tickets to speeders and bad drivers. Florida car owners, with and without driving licenses, are in a class by themselves when it comes to speeding. Driving rules and road safety are just ordinary and laughable suggestions to them.

Only in Florida highly confident women of all shapes and sizes go out dressed like other people do when doing hot yoga, showing as much skin as possible without being nude – after all, the beach and the ocean are not that far away. A tiny string bikini with a see-through cover or not, is good enough to wear grocery shopping, strolling, or to the mall. The idea that clothes are made to cover the body for reasons of public decency seems to escape them. Fluttering their butterfly or tarantula eyelashes, with perfectly coiffed hair and full makeup at the beach, men adore them for their “easy on the eye” beauty.

In Florida, only foreign visitors and cruise goers speak English. If you speak English, that is too bad because South Floridians are not going to help you. Without Spanish or Spanglish, you must bring a translator in tow.

Only in Florida the culture is so Hispanic-diverse that Broward County and Miami-Dade areas might as well be granted to Cuba, El Salvador, Puerto Rico, Colombia, or Jamaica. Non-Hispanic Americans are only tolerated so long as they spend money on Cuban food and tip generously on top of the automatic 18% service fee.

Only in Florida the sun shines for five straight days, the sky is bright blue, and no airplanes spray the sky with chemicals, turning it into a milky grey mass, covering the sun to mitigate global warming. Those of us unlucky to live elsewhere in America forgot how beautiful the real sky used to be.

Only in Florida can you find Ed’s Castle, an out of this world creation of a Latvian man who built his coral rock castle with primitive tools, imagination, and a labor of unrequited love, in hope that someday the love of his life, who rejected his marriage proposal before he left Latvia, would someday show up and visit his castle.

Only in Florida does a Muscovy duck build her nest next to the entrance of a remarkably busy hotel, unafraid, and incubates seven eggs and guards them like a good and caring momma.

Only in Florida a restaurant takes a yummy red snapper, fries it too long in lard to an unchewable crisp shape which the chef (I use the term loosely) then decorates it (the remaining skeleton) with wilted onion strips, two tomato slices, 2 lemon wedges, and undercooked and inedible rice, all for the price of $67. And tourists pay because other locals recommend the place and the dish as the height of Cuban cuisine.

Only in Florida you find iguanas, an invasive species released into the wild by bored people who dumped their exotic pets outdoors when they tired of them or they grew too big; or possibly proliferated from the Miami Zoo after it was torn up by hurricane Andrew which released all species from its collection into nature where they exploded in population. With their orange, green, and grey skin, iguanas of all sizes appear in the most unlikely places, falling from trees in wintertime in a hibernating and catatonic state.

Only in verdant and colorful south Florida diverse ethnicities have their own delicious cuisines but Cuban food is the king everywhere.

Only in south Florida women of all ages, young and old, dress up like teenagers going to a party.

Only in south Florida air boat tours on the Everglades display as the main attraction a few exemplars of the 200,000 gators, old relatives of dinosaurs who are a nuisance elsewhere in Florida, in swimming pools, in ponds, and on golf courses.

Only in Florida the air wafting from every corner, car, park, boardwalk, and even the beach stinks of marijuana, the unmistakable and unpleasant odor of skunk.

Only in Florida can you drive on the lonely alligator alley and find the occasional gator catching the sun’s rays on the side of the road, unafraid of the cars zipping by.

Only in Florida there is such paradise on earth, the sandy white beaches, the teal blue ocean water, the surfing waves, and the verdant flora and dinosaurian fauna, so amazing and beautiful that you want to go back as soon as you board the plane to go home.