Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Friday, February 26, 2021

Cultural Differences and a 90 Day Fiancé Visa

So many people from around the world fly to America legally after a lengthy bureaucratic process. The lure of a green card and freedom of opportunity are hard to resist, especially when poverty and violence are often their only alternative for the future. Many cross illegally the southern border with the blessing of the Marxist regime in power.

Not long ago, immigrants were required by law to complete tons of paperwork, provide evidence of their health, of their ability to provide for themselves financially, allegiance to our country, interest in becoming Americans, and making our country better. Today these requirements have all but disappeared in the social justice drivel permeating our third world society and leftist government rule.

Immigrants still say that they come to the land of opportunity for freedom but freedom has become illusory as American citizens hear their chains of imaginary freedom rattling every day, ever more loudly, coming from a government out of control.

What immigrants really come for is generous welfare and the hope that they can bring their entire extended families with them. Having left the failed system of socialist governments and tyrannies behind, they come to a place where they have no understanding of this new and fabulously “rich” country. They have no history of democracy in their own countries, it is a totally alien concept. They only understand government dependency and control of their daily lives.

But a small group of foreign nationals with a 90 day fiancé visa come because they have fallen in love online with American citizens who were lucky enough to have been born in the most successful constitutional republic on the planet.

Money grew on trees in America once upon a time, but the trees have withered and died under the weight of constant money printing (quantitative easing), and the luster has tarnished on the famous city on the hill, now a fortress guarded by thousands of heavily armed soldiers and razor wire. As the constitutional republic has vanished after the disastrous 2020 election and year-long economic lockdown, the foreign newcomers will be sadly disappointed.

The people of the highly successful show “90 Day Fiancé” come on a special fiancé visa for an imaginary freedom and prosperity provided by a quick marriage to a lonely American for whom matrimony had been difficult to attain. But technology, dating sites, and the Internet are providing access to other “lonely” people from the most remote corners of the world.

The “freedom” they seek in wealthy America no longer exists but immigrants don’t know that because nobody truly understands economics and government and they are still wearing the rose-colored glasses of the land of plenty, a world painted by Hollywood craftily on celluloid. Immigrants are still coming for the economic prosperity they have seen in movies, movies that bear no resemblance to reality.

Making the audience feel better about themselves, the “90 Day Fiancé” reality show is entertaining to American viewers who have no appreciation or understanding of where these people came from and why, their feelings, values, their tragedies, and religious and marital customs. The fiancés seem narcissistic, materialistic, selfish, greedy, insulting, unappreciative, and braggadocious.

The engagement situations and the drama appear contrived, the dialogues are bizarre at times, and the comedic “reality” moments are very uncomfortable to watch but the emotions are real and so are the vast cultural differences.

Ordinary middle class Americans find themselves in situations where they have to pay for expensive dowries they can hardly afford, in cultures where a buffalo, a cow, sheep, goats, or gold jewelry make all the difference in the world to the parents of the future bride who must survive in subsistence economies and dismal poverty. It is an expression of appreciation and respect for their daughter whom they raised to the age of matrimony and for their standing in the community. Some are required to summarily convert to another religion or be baptized in order to get married.

Americans abroad offend their intended’s families because their lives are so different from our life in America. At the same time, the foreign fiancés insult the loved ones of those they want to marry in America because of their ignorance and misconceptions.

The foreigners are scared, miss their families, do not like the food, do not understand the fine nuances of language, or the American English idiomatic expressions, often resulting in comedic situations for the viewers.

The prospective fiancés become easily insulted and hurt, feeling disrespected and dishonored. They reject the new environment, the culture, the food, the practices, the sounds, the wardrobe, and the way people do things that are so drastically different from those where they grew up.

The immigrant fiancés don’t miss their poverty but they sure miss their countries, their culture, and their immediate families and friends.

They want instant wealth, the proverbial money that grows on trees in America where the streets are paved with gold, but they want to bring their old country, language, their enclave of comfort, their familiar surroundings with them, creating a small homeland within America.

They feel lonely, abandoned, and lash out at their American fiancé who does not seem to understand their feelings, thoughts, and emotions of relinquishing their former lives and everything they ever knew and loved.

Then a few women become pregnant which complicates and aggravates the process of melding two lives from such uniquely different cultures and languages. Adding the substantial age difference in some cases, cause the problems to compound.

Despite the obvious discomfort and pain of real people, American viewers keep watching because the show makes them feel better about themselves. Everybody loves a good and happy ending of a joyful reunion preceded by strife, deceit, terrible misunderstandings, and tears of disappointment.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Life's Hard Lessons

"Love is laughing while being stupid together."

Canal Fulton, Ohio Photo: Ileana Johnson 2017
Ray is eighty-two years young and a natural story teller, always with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. Tall and energetic, he has worked hard his entire life and is not about to quit. He could move mountains once. He has slowed down but his energy level and drive would put many younger men to shame.

Born and raised in West Virginia, he became an Ohio resident after he met his future bride with whom he fell in love head over heels. If you ask him, he does not mind telling you that she begged him to marry him and has the picture to prove it. She was eighteen when he took her to the prom and he was a handsome lad of twenty-one.

When Ray was ten years old, his beloved mother had a nervous breakdown. Back in those days, they committed patients and treated nervous breakdowns in insane asylums. Of the five children, three of the minor boys were put into foster homes. His childhood ended then as daily chores took over his diurnal existence for the next five years. Ray had a paper route when he was nine years old but he had never made a whole lot of money as a delivery boy.

But now, placed with an older farming couple, the boys had to feed the animals, “slop the hogs,” the chicken, and milk the cows before they went to school. They learned how to work hard for their keep. They ate beans and potatoes, not so much meat, but never went hungry. There was no heat in the old farm house, the boys hated to get out of bed and step on the stone cold floor. There was a pot-bellied stove for cooking, an outhouse flushing over the creek, a Sears and Roebuck catalog for toilet paper, plenty of chores, and many life-long lessons in work ethic and responsibility.

Every Sunday they went to an old Methodist country church. If there was a revival, they went to revival with their foster parents. There were pie socials, ice cream socials, and other family-oriented activities. They were part of a family but were missing their mother’s love, a mother who was too sick to treat them with kindness and affection.

Ray went to school every day smelling like cow manure because they had to do chores first thing in the morning. In his inimitable language, Ray laughs that it did not matter a hell of beans because everybody else smelled the same.

When Ray left the foster family’s West Virginia farm, he moved to Ohio to work in a steel mill. One brother went into the Navy and one into the Air Force. Ray worked in a grocery store, on the docks, in a steel mill, and pretty much any job to make a buck.

On a blind date, a blindness from which he had never recovered, he met the love of his life, Joan. His best friend asked him to go on a double date with a woman he’d never met. As Ray tells it, his buddy was looking for a “sucker” in order to appease his girlfriend whose friend was single. He could have said no, but he was smitten the moment he saw her. A very defiant young woman with bright blue eyes, Joan was in a hurry to get married so she could get away from her controlling mother Aida.

Ray and Joan got married on Saturday and Ray got fired on Monday. But the in-laws were nice enough to set them up in a trailer, rent free. Young and immature love can cause temporary blindness but true love conquers any adversity.

Ray learned how to build trailers from scratch, to weld, to wire, to do carpentry, to brick, and to cement foundations, skills that saved him a lot of money and helped him build two homes. He is in great demand to this day because he can fix anything. Additionally, in his spare time, he served in the U.S. National Guard. Out of the tragedy of his mom going into the asylum, Ray fashioned himself into a life-long Renaissance man and weekend soldier who could fix anything with string, a paper clip, dirt, and spit.

From Ray’s blind date came love, marriage, and three beautiful children. And one day, decades later, fate brought Ray’s youngest son, a captain, across my moonlit path in Mississippi and he became my husband.

After 59 years of marriage, Ray lost the love of his life to a lengthy and painful illness. Joan is buried close to a thicket of blue spruce in the cemetery where he bought a plot fifty years ago.

 

 

 

 

Friday, November 25, 2016

Marital Advice from My Grandma's Era

 
Photo: Wikipedia
I found an interesting old book that my Grandma, in her youth, would have been familiar with, which described the qualities of a good wife. Was there a magical formula for a long and happy marriage? In an era when arranged marriages were the norm, the consensus was that marriage was a “lottery," you either won it or you didn’t.*

Seventy years ago, this was the “practical” advice married women gave to those engaged to be married:

1.       Defend and respect one another.

2.       Don’t wear the same dress every day; change it with a bow, a belt, a new collar, a colorful scarf, or a ribbon.

3.       If you use face cream, don’t let him see you.

4.       Do not wear droopy nylons because husbands seem to have an aversion to them.

5.       Never gargle in front of him and never wear house shoes - they are too unattractive.

6.       Never serve him coffee without first combing your hair.

7.       Never talk to him until after he’s had his first cup of coffee.

8.       Don’t bother him or talk to him when he shaves. Shaving and dressing are a ritual which men like to do alone without verbal interruption.

9.       Don’t talk to him when he reads the paper and make sure his ashtray is close by. I think the Marlboro Man would have been proud of this one.

10.   Pretend to listen intently when he shares things he likes, even though they may bore you to death.

11.   Learn to cook what he likes but also what you like.

12.   Improvise fun things to do at home and always smile as if you were in public, never show anger or displeasure to him, only a happy face.

13.   Once a week, allow him to have time with his buddies as if he were single.  Don’t ask him where he goes; he will tell you when he comes back.

14.   If he has a passion, such as collecting stamps or listening to certain shows on the radio, encourage it and engage him in conversation about it.

15.   When he makes a mistake and talks about it, don’t criticize him because he may never tell you again when he makes the next mistake.

16.   Don’t be sick too often, men don’t like sickly women.

17.   When he exalts the virtues of other women, don’t get upset; he is probably doing it because he knows you are missing that virtue.

18.   When he comes home every night, give him the impression that you waited on him with love all day.

19.   Don’t talk on the phone with your family when he is at home; do that when he is at the office.

20.   Get ready for the theater half an hour before departure time – men don’t like to be late for anything.

21.   Don’t bother him with your daily housewife problems or kids when he comes back tired from the office. Have supper ready and leave him alone.

22.   Never accept dinner or party invitations without first consulting with him. He has to approve first before you RSVP.

23.   Be ready to fix whatever wardrobe item requires attention.

24.   Never, ever clean his desk or even touch it.

25.   Never give up your profession or your trade. There may come a time when the kids are gone and you will be all alone in the house, a wife without a compass.

26.   Don’t forget your old friends but create new ones in your husband’s circles.

27.   For every man, his job is his first love. The love for you is secondary. Don’t ask him all the time if he loves you. Don’t tell him you hate him when you have arguments.

28.   For women, love comes in first place while a job comes in secondary.

29.   Don’t try to give him advice all the time; he does not want to hear it.

30.   Don’t talk about money because he does not like to hear it. If you need something important or valuable, manipulate his vanity and pride.

31.   Don’t force him to have relationships with families you like.

32.   Don’t speak ill of his relatives as it is almost sure that your relatives are just as bad.

33.   Help him with well-placed hints as to what presents you wish him to buy for you.

34.   Say yes to everything but then do what you want later. Never tell him no.

Last but not least, women warned that marriage was not a subscription to eternal love. Life, even without “rosy illusions,” could be colorful enough.

*The Code of a Good Wife (pp. 24-27)

 

 

Friday, November 6, 2015

Engineered Migration and Demographic Suicide

As the engineered tide of illegal immigrants is flooding Europe and North America, small countries are overwhelmed and have made inefficient and weak attempts to stem this deluge and to close the Schengen zone borders.

Griff Witte wrote on November 3, 2015 on the front page of the Washington Post, “As migrant tide reaches a new high, pressure builds for Europe to seal its borders.” As they are “tempted to close the doors” of the “cherished continent open borders for good,” the big white elephant in the room questions are, why would westerners destroy their nations on purpose by allowing in jihadists disguised as “refugees,” and, why is it necessary to bring in unskilled and often illiterate labor from third world nations?

As Michael Savage wrote so aptly in his recent book, with Government  Zero you have “zero borders, zero language, and zero culture,” you have a nation in shambles.

I wrote about western demographic suicide long time ago in my book, Liberty on Life Support, but it bears repeating that a senescent Europe is not having enough babies to replace its dying population. http://www.amazon.com/Liberty-Support-Ileana-Johnson-Paugh-ebook/dp/B008CL3G3M/ref=sr_1_3_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405352347&sr=1-3&keywords=Liberty+on+Life+Support

Author George Weigel described how Europe is committing “demographic suicide” by failing to “create the human future in the most elemental sense, by creating a next generation.” http://eppc.org/publications/christophobia-afflicts-europe/

Most western European nations produce less than the necessary replacement value of 2.1 children per family for many reasons: birth control, abortion, unproductive and unemployed young people who live longer in their parents’ homes, pursuing careers, exploring and following immoral and perverted lifestyles, making selfish choices, and occupations that do not require a large family to support the farm. The solution has been to import immigrants to fill the demographic and no-skill employment needs.

The historian Neagu Djuvara found fault with the lack of ideals, morality and blatant debauchery among civilized society, especially young people. Europeans and Americans alike lack ambitions, he said, and have stopped having children. The West has thus created a vacuum which third world counties are more than happy to fill with their fertility rate of 8.1 children per family.

Legal and illegal immigration has been facilitated by generous welfare programs in nations like Sweden, Finland, Norway, U.K., France, Belgium, and Denmark.  Ghettoes were formed, countries within a country, where immigrants rejected integration, producing sub-cultures that clashed with western civilization in every way.

Refusing to learn the language, the immigrants promised the destruction of the very country they occupied. As they received welfare and free housing, they vowed to remake Europe into a new world order Caliphate.

Bruce Bawer aptly named his book, “While Europe Slept,” describing the Muslim takeover of many European countries as inevitable and enabled by appeasement, self-censorship disguised as political correctness and hate speech, apologies, and across the board accusations of “Islamophobia.”

The “guest workers,” “refugees,” “asylum seekers,” or “family reunification” claimants deliberately destroyed their papers in route to the country of destination, knowing that they would evade detection if they were terrorists. They came from very poor, remote villages, and were highly hostile to Western values and history, and are not likely to accept them.

They are very dishonest, corrupt, and adept at taking advantage of the generous welfare system: unemployment, public assistance, relief payments, child payments, disability, cash support, and rent allowance. Welfare is based on the honor system in some Nordic countries, but Islamic law gives them advice to abuse the infidels’ system, “to cheat and lie to the countries that harbor them.” The monetary benefits are considered “jizya,” a tribute that infidels in Muslim-controlled countries must pay in order to stay alive.

In line with this administration’s plans, young “refugees” are being settled around the country in small and conservative communities who have no idea how to deal with them, where they came from, and who they are. These young men of military age who hate western civilization and our way of life, are supposed to fill the vacuum and replace childless Americans.

People in the U.S. have various opinions why Americans are not having enough babies and why men and women in the civilized world are afraid of marriage and commitment. Dr. Savage dedicated part of one show to this very question.

The opinions of middle-aged men and women are varied:
 

-          Culture has changed,  one no longer needs kids to care for their parents in old age, and women work on careers full-time, leaving less time and resources for raising children

-          People are more selfish and are looking for that perfect wife from Hollywood, genetically perfect, plastically beautiful, smart, famous, and petite

-          Because men don’t commit to marriage, young women are pushing around strollers with dogs and cats

-          Young people play the field, can have sex every day with a different person, pornography is available everywhere, or they already live together without commitment

-          Birth control and abortions are readily available and cheap when compared to raising a child

-          Public schools and environmentalism have brainwashed students that there are already too many humans on the planet and are negatively affecting the health of Mother Earth

-          Out of wedlock kids are raised by welfare government-daddy

-          Morals have decayed and families have broken down by high rates of divorce and by government laws redefining marriage

-          The young have been raised to become the selfish “me and only me” generation

-          Economics dictated that children were an asset in agrarian societies but they are a liability in an industrial society; they live longer and without shame with their parents because they are looking for the perfect dream job

-          Young generation have such high and entitled opinion of themselves, they want high salaries right away, no effort involved, they are a gift to the world, and become depressed when reality hits

-          Helicopters parents have raised them with a false sense of self, they were told they were special and received trophies for participation, with no understanding of failing and starting over

-          If you did not marry someone in the village, you were a failure and had no one to care for you in old age; now you have mobility and accepted immorality, divorce is no longer shameful or a sin; you can tap into the whole world with the Internet, you bring a person from the other side of the world to marry; you are never satisfied and ads confuse you constantly thus exacerbating your narcissism

-          Television and Hollywood created a false sense of yourself, you are waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect because you have plenty of time and  there is always something better out there; you want to be in the one percenters without effort or education, just overnight success

-          Ads projected the white father as the bumbling idiot and Hollywood portrays stupid parents who have to defray to the wisdom of their children, of their little brats who know better than they do

-          Women’s liberation and women working outside of home have destroyed the family unit, there is no more social pressure to get married while men are looking for “bad girls” because that is how the media portrays the beautiful and the desirable

The opinions of young males and females are:
 

-          Women’s liberation is to blame - once women decided to educate themselves, men felt less of an obligation to get married and take care of them

-          Millennials put off being adults because their parents coddle them and allow them to live in their homes indefinitely

-          People live longer thus they can delay maturity and marriage

-          Women and men with morals and religious beliefs are hard to find

-          If women show themselves more independent, men feel less obligated to provide

-          Children are more expensive and the economy is bad

-          Women are sexual objects and men do not respect them

-          The Internet facilitates pornography - men don’t feel the need to be monogamous

-          Definition of marriage has changed, marriage is no longer a religious covenant, it is a social contract and the law says you can now marry anyone and eventually anything

-          Divorce, alimony, and child support are expensive

-          Forced marriages don’t exist anymore because having kids out of wedlock is no longer shameful or scorned by society or by religion

-          Cheating is so prevalent that both men and women want to make sure they marry the right person in order to avoid an expensive and painful divorce

-          For Europeans, housing is so expensive, many potential couples cannot afford married housing or the wait list is so long that they delay marriage and live with their parents

Michael Savage asked pointedly why young men are terrified of the responsibility to have children, why would they allow family lines to die out with them, why commit cultural suicide while taking care of millions of illegal aliens’ children via tax-driven welfare. It is certainly difficult to find moral values in a bar, in a predominantly drinking and partying culture.

Men are afraid of commitment and cite economics as an important reason. But, was it ever inexpensive or easy to have children? “People had babies during the Black Plague and even in concentration camps during the Nazi regime,” Savage said.  Non-western cultures have no problem having lots of babies.

Is the culprit the “chickification” of men driven by the feminist “man-hating movement” that ridicules and infantilizes men, especially white males, and the lack of teaching manhood and responsibility? Is it rap music that glorifies violence against women and utter disrespect for life?

Is it the “hardening of women,” the tough females, who intimidate, scare, and drive off many men? Is it the government daddy that created generations of irresponsible young men who reproduce and abandon their offspring and the responsibility to raise and teach the child they created?

While young men and women keep searching for the perfect mate that does not exist, how is it, asked Savage that arranged marriages work well in other cultures that have no problem with fertility? Why do some women lie to have control of their exes, holding their children hostage to this manipulation?

Will the massive engineered migration from third world countries, the demographic suicide of the west, the overall degradation of western society, and the mental disorder of liberalism eventually doom western civilization?