Toll-Free Call to Enroll in Obamacare SATIRE

Since the Obamacare exchange phone number has crashed once or twice last week and the website is experiencing tiny code “glitches” that have momentarily crippled your ability to enroll in this administration’s signature legislation, Bud S. suggests to have fun with the toll-free call if you are lucky enough to get through. He also recommends blocking the call (star 67) although phone companies have sure ways of finding out who you are, where you live, and where you were standing when you made the call.

Tell them you want to get pencil and paper and walk slowly away from the phone. Take your time while they are on hold. Your call is important to them and they are not going to hang up. When you return, ask the operator some very good and important questions:

-          How much do my deductibles cost?

-          Is my doctor so and so on the list of approved doctors?

-          Is my hospital on the list?

-          How much are my deductibles for office visits, drugs, physical therapy, and hospital stays?

-          Do I get a single room or a ward?

-          I thought Obamacare was free?

-          Do I have to stop smoking right away?

-          Can I still party and get drunk every weekend?

-          Can I ingest as much salt, fatty foods, and Big Gulp sodas as I want?

-          Does Obamacare pay for eyeglasses, contact lenses, dental care, braces, and dentures?

-          Will my teeth be as yellow and crooked as the Europeans’?

-          Do Obamacare personnel drive me to doctors’ appointments? Can I call a cab and get reimbursed?

-          Can I have as many shrink sessions as I want?

-          Does IRS send me a bill?

-          If I don’t pay, do IRS agents put me in jail, take my house, car, money in the bank, retirement savings, furniture, and bling?

-          Does Obamacare insurance pay for massages, mud and sulphur bath treatments for two weeks like they do in Europe while I eat and sleep in a four star hotel?

-          Do I get breast enlargement and plastic surgery for free like they do in South America?

-          How much are my office visits? Can I go see my doctor as many times as I want and stay as long as I want until he hears all my whining and real and imagined medical problems?

-          Do I get expensive tests for free and with no waiting period?

-          If you don’t pay for my treatment, can I go outside of the country for treatment to, let’s say, Cuba? The MSM and Hollywood told us Cuba and Venezuela have stellar first class care and it’s free!

-          Is there malpractice insurance and can I sue the government if they remove my healthy appendix or operate on the wrong foot?

-          What if I change my mind, is there a lemon law to cancel my policy after three days if I don’t like it?

-          Can I read the entire policy that covers me before I sign up?

-          Can I have a copy of the policy in all 150 languages?

-          If I don’t like your doctors, can I keep mine if they are still in business?

Dial the number several times, maybe you get lucky and someone from Bangladesh will pick up after you press 2 for Spanish.